Occasionally at night, I’ll awake with a question that bounces around my head like a game of Pong until I write it down. In this case, it just happens to strictly apply to the one half of America that won’t really enjoy answering it.
Oh, and it also happens that this one question is actually about 22 questions. And yes, they’re really directed at republicans or Trump supporters — but that doesn’t mean I don’t support my rural roots, southern states, or even NASCAR (which I recently learned is a lot more than more than just turning left, as the GOP hates left turns). This is me being combatively curious.
Bottom line, I want to know exactly what it is exactly that people are still attracted to about Donald Trump. Because most people seem to simply blow this loud “MAGA” horn — as if they’ve personally accomplished something and now have decided to gloat at all detractors. Similar to the way sports fans and Lady Gaga listeners do.
But jokes aside, may I ask why it is you’ve crowned this very special man a king:
-Is it because he has cool hair, a hot bod, and hands like Andre the Giant? Alright, alright, here we go for real. Thicken that skin, friends.
-Is it just because you’ve been taught to oppose the entire liberal half of the country, even though Trump himself played the liberal role in the 90’s (yes, he was good friends with the Clintons)?
-Is it because you “pulled yourself up by your bootstraps” to the middle class, while Donald Trump literally inherited tens of millions of dollars for doing nothing but escaping the womb?
-Is it because he discredits all media that refuses to praise him, calling them “fake news” — including award-winning publishers like the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the Wall St Journal?
-And, following the above, you also realize this act of discrediting legitimate media by a leader is the exact sort of state censorship that Kim Jong-il, Stalin, and Hitler did to become dictators and alter reality for their citizens? We can always compare historical leaders, but this abuse is a common denominatior for every authoritative manipulator in the book.
-Is it his obsession with taking to Twitter (I guess SnapChat was too complicated) to voice his opinions, using all the restraint and articulate grace of a high school sophomore with a grudge against his ex?
-Is it his ability to explode the debt, a previous, major right-wing Obama knock? While also reversing the deficit trend, something Obama excelled at (which is a far more economically-relevant statistic)?
-Is it his tendency to alienate our biggest allies by disrespecting and embarrassing their leaders, to the point where they’re literally smirking on camera and verbally laughing at him in a mocking way afterward?
-Is it the way his major tax cuts are targeting specifically the wealthy and the large corporations, a demographic which most Americans agree are getting away with tax-evasion lately? I commend you if your tax return was higher, but that wasn’t the long term quo for Americans below the wealthy class.
-Is it the way the market has largely fluxed under his policy, to the point where many Americans have seen their 401K just get murdered?
-On the topic of murder, is it because your #1 topic overall is gun ownership, even as we’re battling an increase in all violence and mass shootings under this regime? Or is that not something to address, even if you’re for minimal regulation? We certainly aren’t looking at mental health.
-Or should we focus on the regressive policies on abortion that will force abortion into the underground (where more lives will be endangered and lost, yet likely no fewer abortions) — and also put more children into very poor families or foster homes, where they’ll have no support or healthcare. Because universal healthcare and restricted welfare are democratic “socialism.” Which has destroyed every nation ever (citation needed here, as nations like Denmark laugh as they sip wine).
-Is it the unprecedented, literal record-shattering amount of time he’s spent on the golf course, despite his exact promise that he wouldn’t have time for that (another prior Obama knock)?
-Is it the baffling amount of his cronies that are being indicted after his claim to “drain the swamp?” He’s draining a lot since bringing in his own people! He was right!
-Is it his three marriages and a paid-off porn star on record, thus solidifying his status as a wholesome, righteous American family man?
-Is it the report released that essentially, flat-out stated the man’s campaign knew about Russian interference in an election that he still lost the popular vote by 3 million clicks? And he’s basically not getting impeached only because the Dems know 2020 is a year away and he’s less a threat than Mike Pence?
-Speaking of all of that, is it the premise that he has been fact-checked with a devastating amount of lies that dwarves, by far, any president ever to take oath? These sources are not fake news.
-Is it his blatant ineptitude about basic law and his absolute failures at so many gimmes in the business world, like casinos and vodka (how do you fail at that)?
-Is it cool that the vast majority of the smartest scientists in the world are concerned about climate change, but he defunds a department and makes a joke of it? Because you found the one article that denounces man-made climate change, like the 1960’s conservatives who found the one paid-off scientist who still supports smoking as not unhealthy (while they drank from their “whites only” drinking fountains)? Is it possible that tobacco lobbyists were buying politicians then, just as big oil is buying them now?
-Is it his clever and not at all cowardly draft dodging tactics? My father had bone spurs, but made it to ‘Nam. Weird.
-Is it because he “speaks his mind,” like your average bar room drunk, and has managed to spitefully divide this country in a way we’ve never seen before, because he’s either petty or a politically evil mastermind? Perhaps he isn’t racist, but we’ve certainly witnessed a rise in white supremist and neo-nazi confidence in this nation since 2016.
-Is it because he creates trade wars that are damaging the American economy indirectly through more expensive imported goods by jaded trade allies?
-Is it because he showers the most praise on foreign leaders like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-Un, which seems more like cowardice than comradie? Or when he flips the switch and makes veiled nuclear threats the next day?
-Is it because you think he’s Christian, even though his own pastor has come out and said he’s never attended church, and he literally represents nothing actual Christians would believe in on any level whatsoever.
-Or…is it because he’s a Republican, so you want him to defund anything liberal, wear a red tie, and tell you he’s making America great again?
I bet it’s that last one. And I bet you aren’t apologizing for it. Even though job growth and unemployment are his sole bragging points right now, they’re on the same trajectory they were when Obama left office. But was there any acknowledgement of those accomplishments by the previous administration from the right? Crickets. Like vegans at a rib shack.
Look in the mirror. Who the hell are you? Do you care about policy or ideology or even religion? Or do you just like saying “I’m a republican,” and putting on some idiotic red MAGA hat? Because the latter is a slap against everything you say you believe in, beyond wedge issues like abortion or gun control. What about the other 300 million Americans?
What if we forgot about party? And just looked at the man. Right now, Donald Trump is a guy who couldn’t even be elected to student council in high school. Or make any sports team. Or be in the Key Club. Or even the Fast Food Enthusiasts Club, because he isn’t witty enough to speak coherently at their yearly summit at Taco Bell headquarters. Yes, I made that last part up.
Can we put away simple partisanship? Maybe just vote for me. Or Richard Simmons. Or Barney the Dinosaur. Or anyone else who isn’t this bloated sack of walrus ejaculate. This nation and you personally deserve someone who truly makes us all proud. If you’re proud now, you might be misguided.