Remember when Baby, It’s Cold Outside was essentially banned from being played on the radio? Yeah, there was some rapey stuff in that song, but…it was a different time, right? So now, what if I got all PC (“politically correct”) with my PC (Pete Crawford) mentality? Hmm…
1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: Traumatizing a child with some weird softcore porn involving his mother and an old man? Gross.
2. The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire): Open fires? Firemen say no. And it’s pollution. Folks dressed up like Eskimos? Boy, that is definitely cultural appropriation. Nope. Can’t light that fire or dress that way.
3. Holly Jolly Christmas: “Kiss her once for me?” Sounds like uninvited sexual advances. Sexual assault? Remember “Me too?” Bill Cosby does.
4. White Christmas: That seems a little racist. No Black Christmases? Wow. Shouldn’t all Christmases be from the Middle East? Or is that a different can of worms?
5. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: This dude is seeing kids when they’re sleeping and seeing them when they’re awake? Nope. Pedophile alert. Lock this stalker up immediately and get the mail notices out.
6. Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Yeah, let’s tell depressed people during the statistically largest suicide season to just be happy and wonderful! Be happy, struggling parents! It’ll be wonderful!
7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Wow, talk about being bullied for being different. Rudolph and his red nose… He was a nice reindeer. Bullying is bad.
8. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas: Oh, looks like all gifts have to be to gender-assigned children? “Dolls for Janice and Jen? Boots and PISTOLS for Barney and Ben?” Wow. No gun control for kids and they have to abide by their assigned sex. No guns for girls? This is ridiculous!
9. Santa Baby: This woman is a gold digger. Kanye knew about her. She’s terrible.
10. Frosty the Snowman: Um, why isn’t this a snow PERSON? Sexist much?
11. Do You Hear What I Hear?: Okay, way to be insensitive toward the hearing impaired. I can’t even hear my own outrage.
12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: “Make the yuletide gay.” Gay? Let’s burn a yule log during the season and say it’s flaming gay! Great. (I can give you a whole backstory here if you ask.) But we’re offended regardless, right?
13. Jingle Bell Rock: “Giddy up, jingle horse, pick up your feet…” Well, this is just animal abuse. You monsters. Leave the horses alone.
All of these songs should be banned because of their modern lack of sensibilities! Or maybe you’re all banned if you think any of this is serious. I am a man of progressive thinking, but we need to remember how great this time of year is. Let’s not ban old songs that never had bad intentions because we have new outlooks on how they’re inferred a century later. Let’s relax and let me sing you some songs. I’m not as totally liberal as many of you think — but my singing voice is quite mellifluous. Those who know me know. Ho ho to the ho ho ho.